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The Wonderful Mizard of Cleveland

12 Sep

“Our main export is crippling depression.” -Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video: 2nd Attempt

mizmainpicBefore we are born, I’ve always imagined a situation akin to waiting outside the gates of Heaven after we die.  There are thousands of prospective people waiting to be judged into this crazy world.  I can see my stint in line as clear as day.

I am waiting.  I am bright-eyed, innocent and hungry for a pleasurable life.  As I approach this massive podium, I see God for the first time.  His presence is powerful and awe inspiring.  I can’t help but stare with my mouth open, anticipating Him to grant me entrance as an infant into Earth.

In the midst of staring at Him, I fail to notice some sort of obstruction in front of me.  As I continue to walk, my path meets this hazard and I proceed to fall.  As I lay there, my soul, desperate to be called upon to live on this planet, looks up and sees God himself.

He stares at me for a few seconds.  I can actually see pity in his eyes.  Then, his lips begin to quiver.  Wow, my youthful spirit has inspired the almighty to tear up.  I’m going to make God cry!

Then, he can’t hold it in anymore.  God looks at me and busts out laughing.  With these laughs, thunderstorms ravaged the entire world as if its end was imminent.  After slapping his podium with his monstrosity of a hand and wiping the rivers away from his eyes, he points down at my pathetic body and speaks.

“What a miserable bitch!  Send him to Ohio!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

I sit up in my bed in a cold sweat.  I am shaking, breathing heavily and have a massive headache.  Oh, what a nightmare, right?

That nightmare is my life.

theshotBorn in Akron, OH, my life as a red-blooded American Male naturally attracted me to sports.  I am a Cleveland Indians fan.  I am a Cleveland Cavaliers fan.  The Browns exist (I largely grew up without a Cleveland Browns team thanks to Art Modell).  Long story short, we have been through such little things as The Shot, the Drive, Red Right 88 and Jose Bleeping Mesa.  (For the sake of saving you multiple links, here is a video that sums everything up for you.  Just stop it at 6:22 so my statement later rings true.)  I have never experienced a professional sports championship.

(My favorite football team is the Minnesota Vikings.  Fuck me, right?)

theindiansIt hurts so badly.  There is nothing worse than having so much of your life invested in something and the only thing I get in return is the feeling of Edward Norton’s foot jamming into the back of my head as my teeth are wrapped around a curb.  That’s literally what being an Ohio sports fan feels like: getting curb stomped.

Then, out of the ashes, a phoenix rose up and flew.  He had moxie.  He had swagger.  He had the goods to bring Cleveland a title.

That guy was actually a giant pussy who bailed and became the Karl Malone/Patrick Ewing/Charles Barkley of this generation.  He also added one more “The” to our already wounded hearts.  I will never, ever type his name on this website.

When we as a collective unit looked back at the ashes, everyone in Ohio noticed someone else, crawling.  He wasn’t in the best shape in the world, but he wasn’t dead yet.

That person was The Miz.

anticenaWe largely ignored him as he struggled through horrendous Diva Search segments, squashed by the Boogeyman on pay-per-view and sported a questionable haircut for any grown man.  We still didn’t pay attention when he joined up with John Morrison and became a multi-time WWE Tag Champion.  Ohio fans are pessimistic.  At the end of the day, no matter how good The Miz looked, he still was from Ohio and he was still an athlete.

As The Miz crawled from the ashes, still hurting from the lack of support behind the scenes in WWE and trying to rebound after getting himself over in his initial feud with John Cena, he surprised us all.  Hurt, wounded and ready for the end just like any other Cleveland sports figure, The Miz stood up.  He blew the ashes off of himself and said “Let’s do this.”

Cut to November 22, 2010.  The Miz, that haggard looking entity we saw gasping for air just a couple of years ago, crushed Randy Orton’s skull and became the NEW WWE Champion.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ohio had a professional sports championship!!!

(I don’t care if it’s predetermined.  I wouldn't care if hopscotch was considered a sport and Al Snow (from nondescript Lima, OH) won it.  I’m counting it.)

This troubled Ohio sports fan couldn’t be happier that it was The Miz who broke the curse.  He wasn’t this overhyped juggernaut that never delivered on his promise (He Who Will Never Be Spoken Of).  He didn’t come up short when he was obviously the favorite (Cleveland Indians 1997).  The Miz did it with nobody believing in him.  The Miz bucked every unfortunate tradition Ohio had going against it, looked it dead in the eye and punted it straight to Buffalo.

irvingThe Miz bringing a championship to Cleveland may have turned the tide for everyone else as well.  The Indians have exceeded expectations this year.  The Browns have some great, young pieces that seem to actually be competent.  The Cavs are rebuilding nicely with Kyrie Irving and look to turn the corner in the coming years after last year’s disaster of a season.  The Miz took it upon himself to break the curse and let every Ohio sports fan know “We are going to get through this…on my awesome back.”

(Cincinatti doesn’t count in this whole discussion.  When I say Ohio, I’m really talking about Cleveland.  Cincinatti is the pseudo-successful older brother to Cleveland.)

There is no doubt in my mind that The Miz has more WWE Championships in his future, no matter how many times he cuts a promo on Jared from Subway.  Hopefully, his reigns coincide with the reigns of every other deserving Ohio sports team.  The Miz is our guiding light in these troubled times.  He has given us a glimpse into a world Ohio knows very little about and we would really appreciate it if we could see more before we croak.

That way, that line on my way into Heaven won’t nearly be as awkward.

Chris Mullet

Chris Mullet

Been Watching Since: 1987

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Pentagon Jr

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: CM Punk

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Randy Orton                                 

                                       Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Jeff Jarrett

                                       Guilty Pleasure: Scott Steiner

                                       Catchphrase: "Hey! You! Stupid! Get me something to drink!"

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