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Lunch With Nailz

26 Sep

“It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?"”- Winnie the Pooh

nailzmainI don’t like to keep throwing this card out, but I have a journalism degree from the University of Florida.  One of the main reasons I loved journalism in middle school and high school was interviewing people.  Getting quotes and asking tough questions and having someone’s side to the story always gave me the gumption to pursue any story.  I can’t help but think of the time I interviewed Jesse Jackson in tenth grade and totally got the cold shoulder when I began to ask him about his illegitimate child.  (If I had kept going, I would’ve scored some serious money from some friends of mine with the other questions I had prepared.)  Being an interviewer gives you a sense of power.  You can try and pry out all of the information that you so desperately seek from your source.  As long as you are doing your job right, they are in the palm of your hand.

So, hypothetically, if I could have one interview with anybody who has been involved in the wrestling business, who would it be and why?

That question is as simple as Eugene.  The answer is: Nailz.

Now, surely some of you are saying “Why Nailz?  There are literally thousands of better people to choose than Nailz.”  The rest of you (and especially Swoggle Squad member Augie) are probably saying “Who the flying fuck is Nailz?”

Nailz was a villain introduced in WWF in 1992 against the Big Boss Man.  Of course, the Boss Man was a babyface police officer.  Nailz was a prisoner in the jail the Boss Man worked at and had come to the WWF for revenge against the so-called abusive Boss Man.

Nailz is known for a lot more in the wrestling business, though.  We will get there very shortly.

My interview with Nailz would be over lunch as the title of the article indicates (because Andy Kaufman already did Breakfast with Blassie).  I imagine myself getting a nice Philly Cheese Steak and Nailz would probably just eat the utensils placed in front of him.  I was going to write out an imaginary Q&A, but I didn’t really feel like typing so many gibberish laden sentences, so I’ll just give you the questions I would have prepared for the interview.

1. How terrible and stupid are you?bossman

That’s really it because chances are I would be running like the wind before the word “stupid” was completely out of my mouth.  That is also my only question because Nailz’s answer should last about four days.

Here was a guy that nobody heard of in the AWA and was given a great character in the WWF.  Back in 1992, the Boss Man could work like a…damn it, boss.  Nailz could have been big money.

Ignore the fact that Nailz couldn’t wrestle a lick.  That phrase isn’t even an exaggeration, either.  He seemed incapable of even licking his opponent properly.  Exhibit A: his “classic” with Virgil at Summerslam 1992.

The fact of the matter is that, given the right character, even the worst wrestler can make it work and get longevity out of it.  Hell, the Boogeyman lasted two years!  Nailz was a really good idea: an ex-con who wants revenge for being incarcerated.

Ignore the fact that Nailz had the weirdest voice in the history of the galaxy.  I am still unsure if his voice was altered in some way or not, but holy Ole Anderson!  (Upon further research, it appears his voice was altered. Screw it, that’s how he sounds. Journalistic integrity!)  Nailz was an appropriate name because it sound like he had been sucking on nails for roughly 30 years before finally deciding to talk.  The voice was a good route to talk except the fact that the man behind the voice was a truly awful promo.  Exhibit B: this gem or Exhibit C: this masterpiece.

takerNow, think about this: it was obvious he blew.  All of that considered, he was still penciled in for a feud with The Undertaker.  In a moment of lucidity, the Ultimate Warrior allegedly refused to work with Nailz, but they still thought it was a good idea to put him in feuds with two of the five biggest faces in the company at the time.

So far, we know Nailz sucked as a performer.  What, pray tell, made him stupid?  How about arguing with Vince McMahon about a payday he had received and then BEATING THE EVERLOVING SNOT OUT OF HIM?  That’s right, when he was turned down for a pay hike, Nailz started to beat up his boss.  At least Bret Hart knew he wasn’t technically working for the guy anymore!  Then, after Nailz went Stone Cold on Mr. McMahon five years early, he called the cops and alleged that Vince sexually assaulted him.  Remember, this was 1992 when everybody in the company shouted "sexual assault" at the tiniest thing.  I'm pretty sure Koko B. Ware yelled it when they ran out of mahi mahi at catering.  But Vince McMahon?  Really?  Why would he sexually assault Nailz?  I'm sure he has a strong, viral, smoking hot wife that would never frustrate him in the bedroom.

That was for the full-blown PG Era, Linda.  We're even.

(By the way, there are so many little facts and rumors about this whole incident.  It’s great.  One of my favorites: Nailz had the Berzerker outside the room as a lookout in case anything went wrong.  I would like to think he had the full outfit on with the sword.)

Faster than you can say “HUSS,” Nailz vanished from the WWF immediately and was never seen again.  Vince can forgive a $110 sexual
harassment lawsuit (Sable) or almost putting him out a business (Eric Bischoff) or being a total douche every waking minute of every waking day (Hulk Hogan), but kicking his ass and claiming he took a trip down in your Cobb County, GA is crossing the line.  (Maybe the character was getting to him like Heath Ledger playing the Joker.  Who knows?)

testimonyThen, Nailz had the gall to sue Vince and testify against him in the famous steroid trial.  His testimony was so bad, it has been attributed in many instances as one of the main reasons Vince was acquitted.

Sans a one-time appearance as The Prisoner against Sting in WCW circa 1993, Nailz was forever forgotten in the business.

(A part of me is still shocked TNA/Impact Wrestling hasn’t tried to bring him in.  I can see it already.  He chokes Dixie Carter!  Every match is Nightstick on a Pole!  He now speaks in Auto-Tune!  His name is RUSTY NAILS!  That’s Pulitzer worthy.)

So, a washed up wrestler from the AWA is given a great gimmick and a chance to make a big name for himself and he shows up out of shape, can’t talk and beats up his employer in less than six months.  Tell me you couldn’t eat a Philly Cheese Steak and listen to that story.

He hasn’t done any shoot interviews as far as my research has shown.  He’s blackballed in the wrestling business for obvious reasons.  We need this story documented.  We need to know what drove this cuckoo bird to do the things that he did.  We need my lunch with Nailz to take place.

If you are reading this, Nailz, come out of hiding and let’s get some grub.  It will be a good time and the wrestling world would really appreciate it.

Needless to say, I’ll pick up the check.

Chris Mullet

Chris Mullet

Been Watching Since: 1987

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Pentagon Jr

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: CM Punk

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Randy Orton                                 

                                       Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Jeff Jarrett

                                       Guilty Pleasure: Scott Steiner

                                       Catchphrase: "Hey! You! Stupid! Get me something to drink!"

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