“God gave me the talent to work in this wrestling business and there's not a better spot on Earth than under those bright lights. It doesn't get a whole hell of a lot better than this.” -Harley Race, 2004 Hall of Fame Speech
For better or worse, the WWE Hall of Fame is known by the majority of wrestling fans as the most prominent example of honoring the legends from the past. Most of the inductees deserve their honor. A few have been shunned due to reasons that range from the selfish (Bruno Sammartino) to the controversial (Randy Savage) to the nonexistent (Bob Backlund). Finally, there is the category people seem to talk about the most: the group that shouldn’t be in the
There are competitors that never even worked in WWE. Nick Bockwinkel, Abdullah the Butcher and Gordon Solie are prime examples. Then, you have the obnoxious Celebrity Wing that degrades the honor of the Hall of Fame. If you don’t think it’s annoying yet, just wait until Snooki gets in 15 years from now. Finally, you have the “Wait…Seriously? The Fuck?” Hall of Famers. Such luminaries as Koko B. Ware, Johnny Rodz and James Dudley (Vince McMahon Sr.’s LIMO DRIVER) have a gorgeous plaque/ring that commemorates their “achievements” in WWE forever.
Now, I’m a gambling man. I reckon that, as asinine and devoid of logic some selections seem to be, some guys will never, ever, ever, ever, ever get into those hallowed halls. I’m not talking “He Who Shall Not Be Named” either. I’m talking “Those Whose Names Shall Be Not Important.” So, I’m going to give you the 2011 No Chance in Hell They Get in the Hall of Fame Hall of Fame. These are first-balloters right here. Pay respect. Along the way, I’m going to make some wagers. Let’s hope one of these random screwballs don’t ruin my life in some way.
Honorable Mentions for First Ballot
-Braden Walker: He was on my list from the very beginning, but I fear TNA getting bought by WWE and
-Danny Doring: His cup of coffee in WWE’s ECW was pretty pathetic. However, I remembered he was one of the last ECW Originals in the company and technically one-half of the last ECW Tag Team Champions. It’s probably safe, but there’s too much on the line. Remember: LIMO DRIVER!
-Tekno Team 2000: One of the preeminent punching bags in WWE Magazine, these guys promised to make an impact during the 21st century no matter what. By my calendar, they still have 89 years left. Until that time passes and they prove us all wrong, I’m not taking the risk.
Now, the 2011 No Chance Hall of Fame Inductees!
10. Ted Arcidi
Standing out in this year's class, Mr. Arcidi is the only member of this year’s class to have his own action figure. Despite this career accomplishment, Arcidi is renowned for his inability to maneuver gracefully, apply bearhugs that run the duration of most television sitcoms and make Roddy Piper seem lucid. Arcidi’s time in WWF will forever be remembered for that one time he was in the Wrestlemania 2 Battle Royal and tried not to explode upon impact while getting eliminated from the match. Before Bill Kazmaier and despite Ken Patera, The No Chance Hall of Fame welcomes TED ARCIDI!
Inducted by: WWE’s current World’s Strongest Man: Mark Henry.
My Wager: If Ted Arcidi gets into the WWE Hall of Fame, I will inject the bone marrow of a razorback into my arm every day until I can carry a Jeep Wrangler on my back.
After putting the WWF on notice with his 1:46 performance at the 1990 Survivor Series as a member of the Orient Express, Akio Sato took some time off and waited until he could really make an impact. In 1995, he saw that opportunity when he returned to managed Hakushi. Having freshly dipped his face in a vat of White-Out and grooming his beard to perfection, Shinja stood outside and did nothing to bolster Hakushi’s character in a way no manager had done for his man before. For creating a legacy rivaled only by a leftover piece of chicken parmesan in catering, we induct SHINJA into the No Chance Hall of Fame.
Inducted by: The Poison Fist of the
My Wager: If Shinja gets into the WWE Hall of Fame, I will quit whatever job I’m working when it happens and become a delivery driver for the nearest Chinese restaurant to me at the time. Minimum time period I have to work there: three years.
8. Scott Putski
There were many failed second or third generation stars to consider. While names like David Sammartino, Shawn Stasiak and Manu garner more attention, Scott Putski created a legacy that speaks for itself. Completely being outshined by his own father, Hall of Famer Ivan Putski, in a tag team match on Raw when Ivan was old enough to be Milton Berle’s daddy, Scott feuded with Brian Christopher as the WWE prepared to launch its Light Heavyweight Division into the stratosphere. Putski didn’t disappoint, blowing his knee out less than five minutes into a match on live pay-per-view and getting berated by Jerry Lawler for the rest of the time the match was supposed to take up. His father was Polish Power, but in the No Chance Hall of Fame, we induct Polish Pussy, SCOTT PUTSKI!
Inducted by: Ted DiBiase Jr. If he keeps it up, he might sneak his way into here one day.
My Wager: If Scott Putski gets into the WWE Hall of Fame, I will eat pickled pig’s feet for three months straight and I mean three months straight. No sleep, no rest, STRAIGHT.
7. Rochelle Loewen
No other concept in WWE history will prove to be a vital breeding ground for the No Chance Hall of Fame like the Diva Searches of the mid 2000s. One woman, however, didn’t even need a contest to get hired and still become totally irrelevant in the process. Rochelle Loewen debuted in 2004 and excelled at being backstage and doing nothing. Her biggest achievements in the business, however, were sleeping with Mark Jindrak and not knowing who Randy Orton was, causing Orton to hear voices in his anus and unload a legendary killer of a dump in her personal belongings. (I know it has since been revealed to only be lotion and baby oil poured in her bag, but imagine that grandiose Hall of Fame voice talking about Randy Orton’s shit. I’m admitting to my error for the sake of comedy.) She was a true innovator: the first person to have their chances of moving up in the company butchered by the wrath of Randy Orton. For paving the way for Mr. Kennedy, Kofi Kingston and Kelly Kelly’s dignity, we welcome ROCHELLE LOEWEN into the No Chance Hall of Fame.
Inducted by: Rosa Mendes, who took the concept of Rochelle’s character and made it her own.
My Wager: If Rochelle Loewen gets in the WWE Hall of Fame, I will never take a crap inside of anything but gym bags for the rest of my life.
6. Salvatore Sincere
Racial stereotypes are always distasteful, but they sometimes bring success. In the case of Salvatore Sincere, he managed to remain as anonymous as possible while setting his people back at least 12 years. Decked out in pink and white, Sincere was supposed to be a truthful Mafioso, but looked more like a charter member of the Buena Fista Social Club (That was originally a typo, but I think divine intervention made me type that). His over-the-top accent and subpar ring work naturally got him an initial push, but ultimately lead to an early elimination in a 1996 Survivor Series match, a Free for All loss to Rocky Maivia and a belittling by Marc Mero, of all people. Whether he was sincerely sucking as Salvatore or getting thrown out of the 1998 Royal Rumble in less than 10 seconds as plain old Tom Brandi, there’s no denying this beefy Italian had a better chance working at the Chef Boyardee factory than doing a WWF Chef Boyardee commercial. When the No Chance Hall of Fame hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s a SALVATORE SINCERE the newest inductee!
Inducted by: Santino Marella, who picked right up where Salvatore left off.
My Wager: If Salvatore Sincere gets in the WWE Hall of Fame, I will fight the
5. The Heart Throbs
In the wake of Billy and Chuck, Romeo and Antonio set out a course in WWE that they followed to perfection. They were the blandest flamboyant tag team in the history of professional wrestling. Their generic pelvic thrusts, generic techno music, generic moveset and generic promos garnered them the attention of anybody bored enough to watch Sunday Night Heat on a consistent basis. Their Kiss Cam made the Great Khali’s look like Piper’s Pit. Their job to Kane in under 30 seconds put “Iron” Mike Sharpe into a coma. Their midget’s name was Pocket Rocket and he was no match for Viscera’s midget, Cloaca. Their time was short, but in no way should it have been longer. Make room, No Chance Hall of Fame. THE HEART THROBS are coming to dry hump anyone in their path.
Inducted by: Pat Patterson. He probably loved this whole gimmick.
My Wager: If the Heart Throbs get into the WWE Hall of Fame, I will take 29 hits of ecstasy and keep running until I reach
4. Paul Christy
Sometimes, it’s the littlest impact that makes the world stand up and say “Yep, let’s never see that guy again.” Paul Christy did just that in 1986 with his appearance on Tuesday Night Titans. Christy wrote the blueprints for how to completely destroy any chance you ever have at making any name for yourself whatsoever with his mindless, nonsensical drivel. A lifelong journeyman wrestler, Christy bucked conventional wisdom and decided to not even get a chance at doing jobs on television. He decided to do the ultimate job: lose his! No matter if he was an apartment owner, hypnotist, magician, action figure hater or turkey insulter, Paul Christy will never be forgotten because, to be forgotten, you have to have been heard of to begin with. PAUL CHRISTY, pick any card you want, you are still in the No Chance Hall of Fame.
Inducted by: Mean Gene Okerlund, the only person alive that remembers this.
My Wager: If Paul Christy gets in the WWE Hall of Fame, I am giving my first born child up to the first bidder. If you offer me a paper clip, congratulations. You have my child.
3. Super Porky
After failing in 1997 with Max Mini, El Torito, Mosaic and Nova (I didn’t have to look any of those names up), WWE tried to resurrect midget wrestling when they brought the Juniors Division to Smackdown in 2005-2006. Immediately, one junior stood out among the others. That man was Super Porky and the reason he stood out was because he looked like a registered sex offender and was being billed as a midget despite being one inch taller than Rey Mysterio. Being as fat and as grotesque as he was, Super Porky’s biggest achievement was offering Teddy Long some of the giant ham he was eating. Sadly, Super Porky never competed in the Juniors Division, surely robbing us of the fattest, grossest sight since Bastion Booger did anything his entire tenure. For never getting a chance to live up to his unlimited and dangerously overweight potential in a little person’s world, SUPER PORKY is the newest member of the No Chance Hall of Fame.
Inducted by: Hornswoggle, who will keep inspiring dwarves to follow their dreams of grunting on national television.
My Wager: If Super Porky gets in the WWE Hall of Fame, I will put an entire rotisserie chicken up my butt.
2. Charlie Minn
A good backstage interviewer or television host is difficult to come by, but Charlie Minn proved beyond a reasonable doubt that the most agonizingly bad backstage interviewer or television host will only be remembered last minute and save Stephanie Wiand from certain induction. Annoying to the nth degree,
Inducted by: Todd Grisham, because who doesn’t want to hear Todd Grisham do more awesome comedy bits?
My Wager: If Charlie Minn gets in the WWE Hall of Fame, I will murder a clown. No weapons, nothing gruesome. Just with my bare hands.
Surrounded by his brothers in arms in the fantastically awful Truth Commission, Sniper was tasked with being the forgettable member of a completely forgettable group. If success was measured in the quality in which you completed your goal, Sniper would be Ric Flair. Surrounded by a future oddity, the future Network representative of ECW and the future running buddy of John Cena, Sniper could be looked upon immediately and one would say “Wow, all of these guys are going to amount to nothing, but NO ONE is going to blow harder and be forgotten like that bland fellow right there.” (I’m ignoring the original leader, the Commandant, because he was apparently an actor.) In essence, by being so awful and worthless, Sniper allowed Kurrgan’s parade as an Oddity to last just a little bit longer. Sniper let Cyrus annoy everybody with his heel antics during ECW’s dying days. Sniper helped with the chuckling at Bull Buchanan trying to be a B-Boy. He was the worst member of the most random stable in the history of professional wrestling and he’s the headliner for the inaugural 2011 No Chance Hall of Fame. He is SNIPER!
Inducted by: Darren Young, the worst member of the most recent stable in WWE.
My Wager: If Sniper gets in the WWE Hall of Fame, I will cut off my own hands and ship them to Mae Young so they can get the proper care they deserve.
That's it for 2011. Just like the actual Hall of Fame, let the debate begin. Did Battle Kat get screwed? What about Droz's drug dealer, Key? How in the world did Charlie Minn get a job and they weren't using Jim Ross at the time? That's what Halls of Fame are good for: debate.