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The WWF Made Me a Man

17 Aug

"I stroke it to the east/And I stroke it to the west/And I stroke it to the woman that I love the best/I be strokin'." -Clarence Carter, "Strokin'"

RichJerkedItToThisOneRecently, while at home, I riffled through some trinkets from youth.  We all had the bedside drawer that held all the treasures we collected in our innocent years.  There was the Cincinnati Reds batting gloves that I got at the 1990 National League playoff game in which the Reds clinched the pennant.  There were various baseball cards, rosaries and pocket prayer books from my First Communion.  There was the cartoon Christmas tree-shaped bar of soap I got from our babysitter that I distinctly remember just smelling before bed, thinking that to actually use it for its intended purpose would be a terrible crime.  It was as if rubbing the face of an old friend down to an indiscernible pulp.  I could hear the cartoon Christmas tree screaming the second I applied tap water and lathered him up, one hand-washing closer to dying.  But, among all the innocent trinkets, I found one that was far from innocent: a picture of Sunny during her Bodydonnas stint that I had cut out of WWF Magazine.  Oh, I knew full well why I cut that small inch-by-inch picture out. 

I can’t recollect exact times that I disappeared into my bathroom with that facsimile of Skip’s manager, but I knew WHY it was there amongst the rosaries and pocket prayer books.

If I had to map my masturbatory history, I’d have to admit that mid-90s WWF valets (they were not disguised with the clever moniker of “Divas” quite yet) played a very large and important part in my self-discovery.Sable

Sunny was the first.  My goodness, how I loved that woman.  I remember getting my monthly issue of WWF Magazine and flying right by Vic
Venom’s “insider” article, Bret Hart’s take on the latest Pearl Jam album and centerfold poster of Mantaur to find any trace of my lady love.  That’s all it took and it was off to the bathroom to worship what, at the time, was my picturesque woman.

My formative masturbatory years coincided perfectly with the new WWF “Attitude” era, too. Handling myself to one or two action pictures of

Sunny almost seemed innocent when compared to the issues of RAW Magazine that I started picking up at the Walgreens down the street.  Here, they had full swimsuit issues featuring Sable, Marlena and a new sexed-up Sunny.  It was sensory overload.  One magazine could take me through an unfathomable number of bathroom sessions.  I almost didn’t know what to do with myself.  But I did.  And I did.

And not only did WWF’s new direction aid my burgeoning hormonal growth, but it was at this time that I also discovered the possibilities that existed on the internet, still in its infancy.  I could Ask Jeeves, “Where are the hottest pics of Marlena” or type “Sunny in a bikini” into Alta Vista. Hell, Sunny was AOL’s most searched celebrity for a brief spell…so I know I wasn’t the only one trolling the interweb for jerk off material.

TerriIt was a perfect situation.  If my parents asked me what I was doing, I would only have to respond, “Looking for pro wrestling pictures.”  My parent's poor printer was used far more often to print out pictures of Marlena in a gold bikini than it was used to print out research papers explaining the issues that caused the Civil War.  Unless, the truth was that Robert E. Lee liked spanking it to Marc Mero’s wife and Ulysses S. Grant enjoyed cranking it to The Kat.

It’s somewhat disconcerting that such a large part of my discovery of my own sexuality came with a backdrop of well-built men in Speedos putting each other in precarious (and homoerotic) positions in front of crowds.

But it is what it is.  And I have to credit Vince McMahon’s severe perversion for helping me understand how incredible breasts and butts are and what that undisputed tag-team champion can do to a teenage boy.

Thankfully, real women and the ease of the internet took my journey into its next chapter.  But, there will always be a soft spot in my heart, and a hard spot in my pants, for the early Divas of the WWF.


Editor's Note: Brian Jaeger is a good, personal friend of the Swoggle Squad and we have known him for several years.  His submission was encouraged and appreciated because of our relationship with him.  That being said, if you are interested in contributing to this site, feel free to do so...but don't send us any stories about YOUR masturbation history.  Thank you.

Brian Jaeger

Brian Jaeger

Been Watching Since: 1992

Favorite Wrestler, currently: CM Punk

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Shawn Michaels

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Evan Bourne

                                       Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: JBL

                                       Guilty Pleasure: Repo Man

                                       Catchphrase: "Lately, you've been having Sunny days, my friend!"

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